


Her Party

by Chelsea072498



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Implied Smut, Loss of Child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelsea072498/pseuds/Chelsea072498
Summary: Dean gathers with reader every year on a very special day. He knows this has to stop.





	Her Party

**Her Party  
**

 

He knocks on the door as he does every year on this day. You open the door and smile. “Hey,” Your eyes lock with his. “She’s ready.”

“Yeah?” Dean Winchester smiles back. “Sam says hi.”

“Does he know?” You ask. This was something you and Dean had agreed to keep a secret long ago. You hated it, but you knew if Sam found out, things would never be the same.

“Uncle Dean!” She squeals when she sees him. “You and Aunt (Y/N) are here for my birthday?!”

“Of course we are, Sweetheart!” Dean smiles at her.

Your sister walks in with a tray of drinks and snacks. “Hey, Dean.”

“Kelly.” He nods at her.

“Uncle Dean, I learned how to tie my shoes.” Little Ashlyn kneels in front of him. “See!”

“She’s so proud of that.” Kelly says.

“I also have new dolls!” Ashlyn shows them off one by one. “This is my favorite. I think she looks like Aunt (Y/N).”

Dean looks at you. “I think so too, Ashlyn.”

“Mommy! Is it time for cake yet? Is it? Is it?”

“Sure,” Kelly jumps up. “I’ll just grab it.”

You look at Dean. “Does she look different?”

He nods. “Yeah. We’ve got maybe one, two years left before we have to tell her the truth.”

You close your eyes. “I was afraid of that.”

Kelly returns with the cake, but Ashlyn doesn’t want any. She just wants to blow the candles out and make her wish. She’s never liked cake. Ashlyn didn’t believe you should celebrate any birthday without one though.

Two hours later, Kelly summons Ashlyn for bed. You and Dean say goodbye and leave.

“Want to get a drink and talk about it?” Dean asks.

You shake your head. “No. We’ll have to do that soon but not tonight. You leaving in the morning?”

“I got to get back to Sam. I left him in the middle of a case.”

“Thanks for coming, Dean.” you hug him. He kisses the top of your head.

“We’re going to have to tell her next year. It’s time we faced this.” Dean looks into your eyes. “You won’t be alone. I’ll be here.”

“I know. I just…Kelly…”

“It’s taking it’s toll on her, Sweetheart.” Dean could see that. “This isn’t going to be easy, but we agreed we’d do it when…”

“I’m not ready!” You cry. “Dean, I’m just not ready!”

He looks into your eyes and nods. “Okay, Sweetheart. One more year. Promise me that. We’ll do next year and then we have to….”

“Yeah,” You agree but you know you can talk him into another year. You kiss his cheek. “Thank you, Dean.”

He walks to the Impala, but stops before he gets in. He winks at you and you smile back. You love that man so much but you can’t do anything about it. Not when you know what’s eventually going to happen.

~*~

You open the door and you smile. “Hey, Dean.”

“She’s ready for us?”

“Of course,” You smell him. He sees your face. “Sorry.”

He touches your chin. “We need to talk tonight, (Y/N/N).” He tells you. “Please.”

“Yeah, sure.” You have to convince him to give you another year. You aren’t ready to tell her the truth.

You know she’s ready to hear it. You know time is running out.

Dean listens as she tells him what she’s learned this year and what she’s gotten for her birthday. Kelly brings out the cake and soon, the party is over. You and Dean walk outside. This time, he pulls you in for a kiss.

“We need tonight, (Y/N).” He looks in your eyes. “Please. Give me one night.”

“Dean…”

“Sweetheart, we have a decision to make. You can’t keep batting those beautiful eyes at me. You saw her. We can’t keep doing this!” Dean takes your hand and pulls you to Baby. “Give me tonight. Please.”

You nod and get in the car. You’re shaking. You haven’t been alone with Dean in years. You haven’t allowed yourself the contact he initiated. You know you need to talk.

You need one more year.

He takes you to a motel on the outside of town. There’s a bar across the street and you motion over. “Let’s have that drink I keep turning down.”

“Sure.” Dean nods. Once inside, you order a bottle of whiskey. He smiles and shakes his head.

“You and I have had a few good nights with that stuff, haven’t we?” He watches you pour the shots.

“I figured old times and such.” You hold the shot glass up. “To Ashlyn.”

“To Ashlyn.” Dean takes his shot and looks at you. “Next year, we tell her. We have no choice, (Y/N/N). It’s gone on long enough.”

“Dean, I’m just not ready!”

“I’m not either!” He says, louder than intended. “Damn it, this is too hard. For all of us. Your sister has had to do this for ten years, (Y/N). Ten years….”

“I’m not ready. I remember when we told her…..” Your eyes filled with tears. “She was so confused. She hated us.”

“We were young, Sweetheart.” Dean reaches over and takes your hand. “We were kids ourselves. Her favorite aunt and uncle told her that they are her mom and dad….”

“Do we even know the anchor?” You ask, tears forming in your eyes. Of course, Ashlyn had a hunter’s funeral.

“I’ve got a few ideas.” Dean says. “Don’t you worry about that, Darlin’. I’ll handle that.”

“She was only six.” You remember.

“We were too busy screaming at each other to even know what was happening.” Dean remembered also. “Kelly screamed…”

“The seizures we could have handled.” You squeeze your eyes shut.

Dean nods. “It’s happened and all we can do is put our daughter to rest.” He moves next to you. “She deserves that. You and Kelly deserve that.”

“You do too.” You cry softly. “Dean, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You allow him to take you into his arms as you sob into his chest. “Ten years ago….tonight…..”

“Worse night of my life.” Dean says.

“That’s saying a lot.” You regret your words. “I’m sorry….”

“No, it’s true.” Dean pulls you tighter against him. “Losing Ashlyn was the worse night of my life because I lost you too. We may have had a chance at something if we hadn’t lost her.”

“Dean, I couldn’t have risked her…not with this life.”

“I know, and you would have been safe. I would have made sure of that.” Dean lifts your chin. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I’m so sorry…”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to let her go.”

“It won’t be easy, but you’ll be able to do it. We’ll always have a piece of her with us. We both know that.”

“I know, Dean.” You can’t help yourself. You kiss him. He responds instantly and you’re soon whispering. “Get me out of here.”

It’s been ten years but nothing has changed. You know his body, he knows yours. The passion, desire, and need to connect to someone creates the most intense kind of pleasure you’ve ever experienced.

“I’ve missed you, Sweetheart.” He tells you as you lay together, spent. “Come back with me. We can tell Sammy and he can help us.”

“Dean,” You sit up and bite your lip. “Can we give it one more year?”

“(Y/N)!” He jumps up. “You’re unbelievable!”

“Dean, I….”

He pulls his jeans on. “We’ve just had an incredible night together. I haven’t felt like that with any woman since the last time I was with you. (Y/N), you agreed!”

“She’s our baby girl!” You tell him. “This is the only way we can have her in our lives!”

“Yeah, once a fucking year.” Dean sits next to you. “Sweetheart, please. This has to be done. We should have done when we gathered to celebrate her life on the one year anniversary…”

_Dean knocked on the door. He waited a few minutes and then heard the cries. He kicked the door open and saw Kelly and (Y/N). They were pale, shocked, and their eyes were on a beautiful child with dark blonde hair and huge green eyes._

_“Hi, Uncle Dean!” Ashlyn’s face lit up with she saw him. “You’ve come for my birthday!”_

“None of us knew.” He held your hand. “None of us considered it. Kelly just thought that maybe it would be a good idea to get together…”

“I know.” You sigh. “I’m sorry, Dean. I just…I want one more year.”

“You always do.” Dean took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’ll give you one more year.”

You look into his beautiful eyes. “Dean?”

He touches your cheek. “I know I shouldn’t. I know I should force this, but I can’t hurt you anymore, Darlin’. One more year.”

“Okay, Dean,” You smile at him. “Thank you.” You reach out to him, but he shakes his head.

“I love you, (Y/N). I always will. I can’t do this to myself. You came back here and we made love. You weren’t with me. You were just trying to get what you want.”

“No!” You let the sheet fall from your body as you jump up to follow him. “Dean, no! I wanted to be with you. I needed you.” You kiss him softly. “I still love you.”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it.” He tells you. He takes a deep breath. “I’ll call.” He will. You and Dean talk often. He kisses you again. “I’ll talk to you soon, see you next year.”

“Take care of yourself, Dean.” You wipe a tear as he leaves. You get the year you wanted, but you realize that you may have lost Dean completely.

Was having him back ever really possible though?

One more year passes.

This year is different though.

After he left you in the motel, you thought you wouldn’t see Dean for another year.  Two weeks later, you ran into him in Texas.

You spent the night with him and agreed to try things. It would be different this time. You had your cases. He had his. You worked it out and saw each other every few weeks.

It had been three weeks though and you missed him. He was tense the last time you saw him. Scared almost. He had rushed off the phone the last week when you talked. You turn down Kelly’s street and see the Impala.

Every year since Ashlyn’s first birthday, you arrived first.

Dean always came much later.

Your chest tightens. He lied to you! He’s putting Ashlyn to rest!

You race to the house and open the door. You see the fireplace roaring and Kelly throwing dolls in.

“No!” You scream. Out of no where, you feel arms around you. “Dean!” You turn around and hit his chest. “You told me one more year!”

“I know, but we can’t do it anymore, (Y/N/N).” He has tears in his eyes. “Sweetheart, we have to do this.”

“Dean, I grabbed the rest of the dolls….” Sam appears. “Hey, (Y/N).”

“You told Sam?” Of course Sam knew about Ashlyn. He just never knew Ashlyn wasn’t put to rest.

“I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to do this.” Dean confesses. “I know you’re upset. I know you’re mad…”

“Fuck you, Dean!” You fight, but he’s so strong. His grip on your is firm, but gentle.

“It’s not fair to her,” Sam tells you. “(Y/N/N), Ashlyn needs to rest.”

“She’s my baby!” You cry.

Kelly stops tossing things in long enough to look back. “(Y/N), I loved her like she was my own. I took her in because I knew you and Dean needed her safe. This has been too much for me! I never know if she’s going to appear or if she’s going to hurt me…”

“She’s so sweet.” You tell them.

“She’s turning vengeful,” Dean looks you in the eye. “You’ve seen it. The way she looks at us, watches us. Ashlyn…”

“Aunt (Y/N), why are you crying?”

“Ashlyn.” You look at her.

“Uncle Dean! You’re hurting her.”

“No, Sweetheart, I’m not. I promise.”

Kelly starts throwing things into the fire, faster and faster, until Ashlyn laughs.

“You’ll never get rid of me! My  _Aunt_  made sure of that!”

“What’s she mean?” Sam asked.

“Ashlyn, sweetie, you know we need to tell you something.” You start.

“You are my mommy. Uncle Dean is my Daddy.” The little girl is suddenly in front of you. “You upset me! I had a seizure because I was upset! It’s your fault I died!”

“I’m sorry!” You cry. “I’m so sorry!”

“Daddy didn’t want me, did he? That’s why they’re burning my stuff!” She looks into your eyes. “You and I can stay together. You know that.”

Your fingers move to the locket on your neck. You only wear it once a year.

Ashlyn’s birthday.

“If you wear it everyday, I’ll always be with you.” Ashlyn is smiling.

You stop yourself from ripping it off your neck. “Sweetie, you’re angry. I know that. Please, don’t hurt anyone.”

“But I should hurt Daddy. It’s all his fault.”

“No, Baby, it’s mine.” You tell her.

“(Y/N),” Dean whispers.

“I didn’t want to be a mom. Not yet. That’s why I asked Kelly to take you. She would have anyway because Dean and I live dangerous lives. I just wasn’t ready to give that up.” You look at Dean for a second. “And then I was. We were going to take you somewhere safe and we were going to try to be a family.”

“It’s your fault?” Ashlyn asked. Her eyes turned. “But I thought you love me.”

“Oh, I do!” You cry. “I always loved you. I just wasn’t ready.”

The ghost starts to cry.

“Please, Baby, don’t cry.” You beg. You move your hair and hope Dean’s paying attention when you point to the necklace. “Ashlyn….”

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” Ashlyn screamed. “You’re so mean! Both of you! I hate you! I hate you!”

You remember those words coming from her lips eleven years before. You feel Dean behind you. He remembers. Kelly’s face is full of worry. Sam even knows though he wasn’t there.

“Ashlyn, I’m so sorry!” You cry. “Baby, please!”

“You’re so mean! I hate you! I hate you!”

You feel the necklace ripped from your neck. Dean dives toward the fireplace as Ashlyn moves in on you. You scream as you see your little girl disappears into flames. You collapse on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Hey,” Dean grabs you. “I’m sorry, Sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

“You told me one more year!” You scream. “You told me one more year!”

“(Y/N),” Dean looks into your eyes. “We didn’t have another year.”

“I….I only wore that on her birthday.” You tell him. “It had her hair.”

“Makes sense.” Sam says.

You look at Dean. He is crying, but you don’t care. You don’t know whether to comfort him, thank him, or slap him. You love him, you feel for him because you know how hard this was for him. You’re angry because you weren’t ready.

“You were never going to be ready.” He tells you. “I’m sorry, (Y/N/N). If you hate me for the rest of your life, I’ll understand, but remember, she was mine too. I loved her too.”

“I know.” You take him in your arms. “I’m sorry, Dean. Kelly, I'm….”

Kelly walks over and kisses the top of your head. “I know, (Y/N/N). I know. She was your baby. I almost torched her things a million times. Maybe I should have. Maybe this would have happened before….”

“Maybe it’s happening when it needs to.” You say.

Sam looks at Dean. “You two go on. I’ll help Kelly clean up.”

“Are you…” Dean wipes his eyes.

Sam nods. “Yeah, Man. Get out of here.”

Outside, you look at him. You don’t know what to say. Dean’s eyes meet yours and your tears start falling again.

“It's….I feel like….”

“We lost her all over again.” He finishes. “Maybe….”

“Maybe what?”

“(Y/N), maybe we should take some time apart.” He says. “I need to deal with this.”

“Dean?”

“This was the right move. We’d have done this in any other situation. We have. How many times have we left people feeling this way?”

“What goes around comes around.” You say. “So, we’re done then?”

“No. I just need some time.”

You nod. You kiss him softly. “My phone will always be on, Dean. I’ll always come when you call.”

He touches your cheek and then walks to the Impala. You watch as he sits, staring into the distance.  You slowly walk to your own car and leave. There’s no reason to stay. Dean’s gone. You know it even if he doesn’t.

Kelly sold the house and moved a town over. You know that’s for the best. This time, twelve years after your daughter died, you go out to the spot in the woods where you and Dean gave her the hunter’s funeral.

You see him. It’s been a year. He never called. He never replied to texts. Sam eventually called and told you Dean didn’t want to talk to you. You take a step back, but you step on a branch. He turns and his face is shocked.

“(Y/N).”

“Dean.”

“I didn’t expect to see you.” He sighs. “I guess I have some explaining to do.”

“No,” You tell him. “None at all.”

“Sweetheart, I just had a hard time with that. I just realized that the way I was feeling was the way others have felt…”

“Yeah, I get it.” You look at him. “You look good, Dean. You look healthier than you did last year.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He sighs. “I never meant to ignore you. I spent more time drunk than….”

“You’re okay now?”

“Yeah, Better than ever.”

“Good.” You step forward and place the teddy bear you bought with you. “I’ll just go. I wanted to come out here…”

“Hey,” Dean takes your hand. “I love you.”

“I love you.” You tell him. “I have to go.”

“(Y/N).”

“Dean, I’m sorry. I’ve moved on.” You tell him. You close your eyes. “I love you, but I had to move on.” You kiss him softly. “Take care of yourself, Baby.”

He watches you walk away. “(Y/N/N), I thought your cell phone was always on…”

“I changed the number,” You tell him as you walk away. You break into a run and make it to your car. You start the engine and pull away. You drive toward Kelly’s new house. The song on the radio reminds you of Dean. You change the station and the next song gives you chills.

_It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…._

You turn the radio off. You have to get to Kelly’s. You to grab your things and get out of town.

_It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…._

You turned the radio off, didn’t you?

She’s not with you. She’s been put to rest, but you hear her voice.

“You’re so mean! I hate you!”

_It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…._

You speed up. Once you get to Kelly’s you’ll take a few minutes, calm down, and leave. You’ll never come back. Ashlyn was put to rest. There’s no reason to come back….

_It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…._

“You didn’t want me! I hate you!”

You push the gas all the way down.

_It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…._

“I HATE YOU!”

Your tears are blinding you. You can’t see the road. You can’t see the sign warning of the curve ahead.

You have no time to react. You feel the car spinning out of control. You feel your head hit the window, the steering wheel, you hear the glass shatter…

You hear that song as you take your last breath and darkness takes over

 _It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to_  
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to  
You would cry too if it happened to you


End file.
